Ongoing (and) Constant Disorder

But wait what-if..wait no last time I did x,y,z. Should I feel this? Or that? But what if I don’t know? I need to ask someone….”You think I should do it right?” “I have never been like this does that mean I am in love? But wait, what about when I …or what if I meet someone else…or what if it’s not the right one? I can’t commit. What if there is someone else, but wait there isn’t. But just what if. If you do this then your options are gone. You aren’t certain and you need to be certain.

I gotta call someone and talk this out.

OK I feel better.

But wait what if…does this mean…should I…how do I know….why can’t I….AHHH this sucks. Why can’t I just settle? Why me? How do I not blame myself for ruining things because my brain is on a never-ending aerobically charged, energizer wheel of thoughts?
The most painful mental process for me because this segment of OCD hits the heart of me. Relationships, people I care about, having people close to me and sharing things with someone. Of course, this is what OCD and anxiety do-they rip at the very core of you, pretending you can handle it, and testing your mental strength in ways NO ONE can ever imagine. It is a push and pull..I want this so badly but what if …and the devil is at it again.

All of these thoughts are ANXIETY. Not the situation, not the person, just you and your anxious brain battling each other. But it sounds sooooo real. It makes you believe it. You feel the need to listen. But guess what, it’s not what you truly want. It is the “noise in your head.” Imagine how painful this is. You know what you want and your brain says otherwise for no freakin reason. I can’t trust myself to know what’s real and true due to this silent, yet loudest, self-doubt.

If only I knew all of these things before I let my anxiety ruin a relationship I wanted more than any I have ever experienced. I couldn’t explain it. I would be in and in love then one day out and distant and second guessing. The minute it was broken off, I was broken. I couldn’t get a hang of this. Why was I doing this? I have never been like this with someone and I feel like I ruined it. Time and time again. Painful.

Mental compulsions, daily rituals, reassurance seeking, nonstop thinking, nonstop doubting, the voice in the back of my head that just won’t shut up-all of these companions of OCD are torturous. It create a story in your head that just isn’t true and calming the beast is extremely difficult.

The solution. Face it head on. Bring on uncertainty. Feel scared. Feel pressured. Face the doubt. FEEL FEEL FEEL. Face it head on so that you, and your not-so-friendly brain can get used to feeling scared and uncertain. So you can get used to the doubt and it no longer has such immense power over you. Face it, conquer it, feel it, and control the anxiety.




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