Push You Out, Pull You Back In

“…And got hands like an ocean. Push you out, pull you back in…
Cause I got issues, but you got ’em too. So give ’em all to me and I’ll give mine to you. Bask in the glory of all our problems ’cause we got the kind of love it takes to solve ’em…”

Julia Michaels nails it in her song, “Issues.” We all have our stuff. When we love one another, we share in our problems, work as a team, and help each other through. She describes the ebb and flow, the push and pull, the compromises and communication, and the necessary acceptance of them all between two people, between families, and between friends to make it work!

I did some digging into my push and pull mechanisms; my hands that pushed waves back and forth with immense force. This natural force of nature, but one that can be so destructive when certain patterns collide; so destructive when waves just want move as majestically as a conductor’s hands, calmly kissing the shore.

When the trigger was there, every other feeling went away in order to handle it. Anxiety, depression, fear, and doubt were powerful forces of gravity going against each other. Clashing tides, fast currents, crashing waves tumbling beneath the surface, making it impossible to get air or remember what calm felt like. So, I did what we all do when we are anxious. I tried to get rid of the trigger; tried to fight my way out of the riptide. Push away.

Trigger gone. Sign relief. Anxiety lower. Water patterns change, calmer waters, smooth silence beneath. I could float and breathe normally.Feelings that were buried in an effort to handle the trigger, float to the ocean’s surface. Happiness, calm, love, peace, content, safety all floated to the top. I saw ’em. I remember them. I wanted them. I grabbed ’em. I was back. Pull back in.

Every once in a while, weather patterns would shift again. The current would shock the ocean floor. Each time, it would elicit the same protective response from me: flee from the bad. I was on auto-pilot, losing sight of the good, whether I wanted to or not. I did this until I realized that the only way through was to let he unrest pass without changing or challenging anything. Don’t react. Sit still. Don’t run. Lean in. Accept. Be patient. Fight the urge. Each time the patterns changed, it was easier and easier to handle the unrest for I knew the calm would resume shortly.

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