If only…

How do you keep moving forward when you are not sure where you are going? How do you know if it is time to let go of something or trust yourself and ride out how you feel until something shifts?

What’s meant to be, will be…..do you believe that? I am having a hard time lately believing that is true as my heart keeps getting rocked left and right, pulled in and out. In love, there are just some things you can’t control. In love, people feel and express differently, and the capacity to love differs among each person. I made the efforts to get better with my anxiety, OCD, depression but the efforts didn’t get me what I set out to get. I got healthier and the most “me” ever, yes of course I would never take that back, but I cannot control the way someone else feels and responds to my efforts. I tore a heart apart with my behaviors of indecision, push and pull, and fear of commitment but I also, in times free of anxiety where I could think, expressed unconditional love and showed my emotions in my actions. I guess the good wasn’t enough and I am left with a hole in my heart. I am left with guilt, regret, shame, and devastation. I am left with a blurred sense of hope and a clear vision of what I want for my life.

I, alone, understand that I cannot be fully responsible for someone else’s actions and decisions. The capacity of love someone needs for one with a mental health condition might be a bit deeper than normal, especially at the outset, but I didn’t know that. I didn’t know what I needed or what to ask for. I didn’t know how to promise things would be better. I was trapped in a mental vortex of doubt, indecision, and uncertainty for just enough time to drive away someone I wanted to spend my life with. How do you forgive yourself? How do you accept, allow, and live with the feelings of “what if” and “if only?” How can I not blame myself?

 

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