The other night I lay wide awake at midnight, well past my bedtime, stuck in a spiral of thoughts about the past. I wondered: If your heart hurts, do you swallow the pain and say “it will be ok?” or do you express yourself? Do you put a bandaid on the wound and pray it heals with a little TLC or do you leave it open and see what the energy of the universe can do about it? These are the questions I grapple with when my heart is invested in something that I know I “should” be over, that I know doesn’t deserve my energy at the moment, and that I know only hurts more than it helps, but yet can’t help but feel and wonder.
Some people say “listen to your heart.” I know what my heart says but what if acting on what my heart is telling me has only led me to dead ends? What then? I must learn to still listen and be aware, but possibly not act…maybe? Oh, and then there is the “what’s meant to be will be” and “trust in the universe” and, one of my favorites, “be patient, it will all work out how it’s supposed to.”
These sentiments came up in a conversation with a friend yesterday and I laughed about these things, both because of the irony as well as a way of covering up the true pain I felt the night before. I said “ya know when stuff like this happens (getting a job during quarantine) I smirk and think, hmmm I guess things do work out how and when they are supposed to. But then I laugh and think “yea but where were you when I wanted X to work out?” I guess it’s not “my time” for that but I see you universe. I see there is some weird way this all works. ” She laughed and agreed saying, “yea buddy thanks for “this” but what about “that.” I see that you are working so can we get to work on the next thing now.”
But now-literally right now, as I type this- I have a completely different thought about how to see all of this!
Maybe this is telling me to be grateful for what IS given to me and to be aware of how much energy is wasted on the things I focus that are out of my control. Maybe I do need to put a little faith in this thing called the universe and see what’s given to me instead of what I am still not given or still longing for! Maybe I can start leaning into gratitudes instead of the “if only’s, seeing what is instead of wondering “when will.” Maybe I can start reframing my statements to say “it’s a work in progress” instead of “it will never happen.” There seems to be a timing for a lot of things and just because you feel ready and want something so badly does not mean the universe says “oh she’s ready, deliver X right now.” It’s a bit more complicated than that. There might be a few more lessons to learn before you just get what you want or feel you are ready for; there might be a few other steps that need to happen before your puzzle pieces fit together.
…but think of how grateful you will be when these things start to happen and you can appreciate them in the moment instead of looking for “what’s next.” Think of how sweet it will feel when you are capable of looking back on what had to happen to get to this place, not with a lens of regret but with a lens of appreciation, understanding, and awe.
What do you think?