How weird is it to say you feared feeling good? When you are stuck in the darkness it is so hard to see the light. I remember that I had gotten so deep into depression, OCD, and emotional pain that I had trouble thinking things would get better. There were slivers of light that brought me back to who I thought I was, but they were quickly covered by storm clouds rolling through. It became tough to believe things would feel better when they had been one way for over ten years.
I had gotten used to the cloud over my head, comfortable with the misery, yet knew there was more and this wasn’t how I was supposed to feel. I remember asking my therapist, “What do I think about when I am not obsessing anymore?” Granted, I was way ahead of myself with this idea, she smiled and said, “That’s recovery. We will get there when we get there.”
I had dreams-I wanted a beach house with a porch bench overlooking the water, a wrangler, and a small group of friends to come over and sit by a bonfire laughing and chatting it up. I wanted a partner in life who had their own hobbies and joys but whose meshed with mine, and children who were so playful and curious that I got to see the world for a second time through their eyes. I wanted to pass by each other in the morning, brush my arm against their torso as I went to grab my coffee and go outside to write, breathe, and smile. I wanted our two families lived nearby and everyone to enjoy each other’s company, traditions created and carried on, and my door to be a revolving door like it was when I was a child.
I saw it. I still see it and I still want all those things! Before I had a fear of better because I wasn’t sure I would get there. I wasn’t sure what that felt like or looked like but now I am focused on how to get there. I am still unsure how to do it, and it drives me absolutely nuts, but I can see it. I feel it and I am determined to make it happen. Strive for better, never fear it.