To have gained, and not have…

As great as it is that I know what I want from someone, what I deserve, and what I am willing and not willing to settle for; as great as it is that I have learned how to really listen to my heart-you know that gut feeling you get, that internal reaction you have when you can sense interest or lack thereof, and that ability to tell someone you just want friendship because anything more would be you ignoring the true dreams you have for you and your partner; as great as it is to have reached this place where I know who I am, what I want, what I deserve, and what these feelings of interest and love should and could feel like…sometimes it doesn’t feel like enough. Yes, I am happy to know this, to feel this, to want this but it is hard to feel, to know, to want…..and to not have.

10 thoughts on “To have gained, and not have…

  1. As someone with ROCD in a relationship – would you have been able to recognize that “gut feeling” that something wasn’t right? Or could it have been the ROCD instead?

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    1. Since doing a lot of work on the OCD side of things, I can now recognize actual thoughts and feelings versus OCD thoughts and feelings. I think there are times when I know I am triggered (now that I have identified and learned my triggers) and I then start to get into more OCD thoughts, but that gut feeling is more a “im interested or I’m just really not.” And it ends there. The OCD usually spirals. OCD attacks what you care about the most and when you have positive gut feelings that, for me were more aligned with love, I was more triggered out of fear that I wasnt enough or I would screw it up. Thats a great question and there is a lot to this because you can question your gut feelings if you arent aware of what OCD feels like or how it has manifested in you personally. I have known when to push myself and my OCD showed up more pronounced when I was actually in love.

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      1. It’s really ironic that OCD makes you question your feelings about someone, but only happens when you are in love. I hate it! Unfortunately these thoughts have been present for the duration of my relationship but I have simultaneously been able to recognize what an amazing relationship I have and how deeply I love my boyfriend. It seems easier to give up sometimes but just don’t want to.

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      2. Isn’t it! So painful and messes with you for sure! To feel so in love and yet so confused and pained at the same time!! It first came up for me when I was in love and then the next person I was with, it was clear how much my therapy had helped because the obsessions were much more controlled. I def had some but I was able to gain control of them, have understanding of where they were coming from, and not let them interrupt the relationship like they had before. I totally understand where you are coming from and unfortunately for me, my first one I was actually unaware of OCD at all which made it all that much harder. Now that I have an understanding and a grasp of how and when it attacks me, I am hopeful that moving forward it will be less disruptive! Sounds like it is less disruptive for you as well which is great!

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    1. This is a tough one huh! I believe if there is friction and doubt about if that person is aligned with your values, you can begin to doubt that judgement (almost doubt your own self) and then it can become a larger issue of “OCD versus just not right” but as you know this could be a slippery slope! That’s where therapy comes in of learning your triggers and where they come from to determine if it’s OCD anxiety or, separate from the anxiety, is it just not aligned with your values, morals, and persona. Happy to hear your thoughts as well!

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  2. I am sure it’s possible – and what I’m terrified of. I have experienced OCD for most of my life (have been diagnosed and medicated for it) and didn’t really realize I was experiencing it in my relationship because it felt like a normal thing to analyze at first. I am so used to the anxiety that I didn’t think much of it. I assumed it was the wrong relationship – but when I would try to leave the relationship, it was catastrophic for me. I do get attached easily, but this degree of anxiety was not something I had felt in a relationship before. It is as close to perfection as it gets, yet I feel a huge emptiness in me sometimes. The thoughts never, ever stop. I just desperately want to feel the right way!

    Would it all truly be this painful if the relationship was wrong? I just wish I could truly connect to the point where the anxiety went away. Can a connection be worked on? Is love a choice? I know I have deep, deep love for my boyfriend. It just feels like there’s this big barrier between us that prevents me from truly falling. It is so, so painful. I am almost scared to treat it because I’m terrified of finding out that the relationship just isn’t right. None of it really seems to make sense as I am reading it back to myself, lol, and certainly doesn’t make sense to anyone else! Super ironic and gut wrenching.

    How much is love a choice? If i have a wonderful relationship with the perfect man – why can’t I just truly enjoy it and give myself to it entirely?

    Can you let me know if any of this sounds familiar to you? Thank you. 🙂

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    1. oh does this sound familiar!!! you have hit the nail on the head of all I experienced with love. I encourage and, in a way, challenge you to think what is the worst that happens if you do give yourself entirely. I also encourage you to become curious as to what fear or messages you are telling yourself deeper down as to why you might not fully let yourself give in (ie. do you not feel worthy, do you not trust lasting love…) and where it might come from. For me, I learned the lessons too late and it is pain I carry with me every day but all of these questions and constant ruminations are very very familiar to me! TO an extent some of what you are wishing you would do, you are actually doing (you are loving him, you are enjoying it, etc but because of some doubt you arent trusting that you are or are expecting it should feel a totally different way)

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      1. Thanks so much for your time here. I guess there isn’t much that I’m consciously doing to avoid fully giving in – I am trying to force myself to give in, which seems to actually engage me more in obsessive and compulsive behaviors! But I think I need to work in massaging my subconscience a little bit to truly move forward. How to do that, I have no idea. Looking into some CBT therapy near me soon. Hoping this can help. 😊 do you have any suggestions as to what has helped you overcome it all? Wishing you all the best !!!

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      2. The thing with OCD is actually facing the thoughts is the way through them! So often we try to avoid them and that only makes the thoughts stronger. CBT and specialized OCD therapy is definitely the way to do that. My life turned around once I started specialized therapy so I highly recommend that. The subconscious and mental messages you are telling yourself might be the needle in the haystack here of something to tackle.

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